I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
