I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
we're making bets on your personal life
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
