I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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