if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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