I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
