I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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