Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
