It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize