some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
