I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Randomize
