my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize