I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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