You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
