My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
