We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize