i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
