i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
