so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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