I'm lost and stupid without you.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
