I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Randomize
