The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
