I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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