The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
