Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
