So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I deserve this hangover.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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