ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
