the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
someone owes me an orgasm
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
