I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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