I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
