Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
