omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
