you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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