I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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