life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
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