one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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