It's like God shit irony all over that family
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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