Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
