pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
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