It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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