im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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