it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Just pee around me
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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