I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
