You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
