He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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