do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
