At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
