I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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