he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
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