I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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