Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
