I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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