I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Your tits are I can't wait for
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Randomize
