you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
