Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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