i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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