My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
