I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
