every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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